April 18, 2008

Something on my mind.

Since I have started blogging, I have had a lot to think about. It's like a journal that is prompting me to remember things, and write them down. Even as I write this I feel my heart swelling up with this strong sense of longing. I have always believed if you have the need to express yourself, then you should. The feelings inside of you shouldn't always stay inside. It helps to get it out, to let others hear your stories and experiences. Maybe someone needs to hear my words, maybe someone else is hurting the way I have. Maybe this feeling and this urge to share this story is for someones benefit. So I will share this small(yet huge to me) story.

In High School I wasn't exactly doing the things that would "lead me in the right direction". I was drinking, and smoking, and doing drugs. I didn't make it to class very often. I was having myself quite a good time. ( I later learned you don't need those things to have a good time.) My best friend was right there along with me. We weren't the best influence on each other. I would try to go to class, but there he was at the door of my classroom with that look on his face. I just couldn't resist. And if I did resist, well he would just decide for me. I didn't care, I just loved him. Not a boyfriend love, a love that you have for your best friend that you will always forever love, even when you don't see each other for years. ( Oh my, these words coming out are making me cry all over again.)

He started to get worse. He was always skipping school and always high. I just hoped he would slow down. He had always been suicidal. He just had something inside him that he fought with all the time. I can recall many times being on the phone with him when he felt this way, and being so scared that he would really do something to himself.

Then one day, one of my friends came to me and asked me if I had heard about Chris. He had ended his own life. He had really finally went through with it. I weeped and weeped for weeks. It was such a hard thing to take, we were Seniors in High School and just about to graduate.

I don't really know how to end this conversation. I guess I need to acknowledge my friend. And say how much I still love and miss him. I look forward to the day I get to wrap my arms around him and tell him how much I missed him. I know God has forgiven him. I know from my own experiences and relationship with God that He has forgiven him. This song ( In the arms of the angels) is the song that brings me comfort. It also makes me sob. I miss you Christopher Brian. I wish you were still here to be my best friend.

1 comment:

Angela said...

Oh Lindsay...I am so sorry for the loss you have suffered. There are people that come into our lives and we never forget them. I have a friend right now that is going exactly the opposite way she should....drinking, partying, etc. It is heartbreaking for me to watch, but I also know that nothing I say will change her mind.

Hugs to you.